Your Horoscope

July has officially begun. Today, the Sun is in the same place as it’s always been – nowhere near the UK. Find out how you are going to start this month!


Mercury affects you severely this month. You should stop drinking it.


Today you manage to find yourself. On the staircase. With a terrible hangover and £50 attached to your belt.


Today you encounter an unexpected item in the bagging area.


You don’t have cancer. You are cancer. How does that make you feel?


Today you are feeling creative and willing to try something new, but you still can’t open that bloody jar.


You move on to a new Netflix series project.


Today you feel powerful, beautiful and charming – and nothing else matters, especially not the truth.


You lost the game.


You accidentally like a photo they posted in 2008, but lucky Jupiter shields you from any embarrassment – turns out they don’t remember who you are anyway.


Today is an excellent day to travel somewhere. Because it’s Saturday and most people aren’t at work. Also because it’s 2017 and travelling is easier and cheaper now.


You suddenly feel an itch on your arm. Very localised. You really want to scratch it, but now you question whether it is a genuine itch. The planets advise you to scratch it but not to overdo it. And you still haven’t found the one. Sorry.


Today you don’t feel like doing work. You would rather do something fun than something boring. You prefer things that feel good to things that feel bad. For example, you would much rather eat a cheesecake than go to prison. You are also mind blown right now by how true this horoscope is.


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