Christmas Diet


Have a Merry Christmas and don’t forget to stuff your face this year with aunt Betty’s honey roasted pork feast, served on a platter of heart attack and lightly sprinkled with full-fat sausages wrapped in a block of lard for décor. I certainly will! But not too much, because we must enjoy everything in moderation I need to make room for desserts. Poor grandma Georgie carried this whole cake to ours, I cannot refuse to have some (where some = most of given amount, according to Oxtailford dictionary). My poor grandma slaved all day to bake this, how can I break her heart and refuse to eat it *immediately* just because I just had 5 chocolate bars? To be fair, I didn’t want to have 5 chocolate bars, but I couldn’t break Santa’s heart either. 

I don’t know about you, but to me, nothing says “Happy Birthday Jesus” like eating way too much within the first 2 hours of waking up on Christmas morning (all that present anxiety was very energy consuming) and spending the rest of the afternoon complaining about being too full. Tip: If you find yourself feeling like that, just wash everything down with a bucket of hypercaloric “digestive” booze. While it may not really aid in digestion, it will certainly help with not giving a fuck.  

Now seriously, this is the best time of the year to overeat, because we’re all going to the gym on the 1st of January, right? And the 2nd of January. And then we’ll see. I’m so motivated to work out now, only that I’m too full to move. It’s okay, I’m sure next year will be different #NewYearNewMe. My 2018 Christmas tree will probably be decorated with celery sticks and flatbread man cookies. Aunt Betty will have committed suicide after finding out that most of the family is now vegan. Including grandma Georgie, who outlives us all and marries Keith Richards for his drug connections. She soon finds out that Keith has been Santa all along and files for divorce because he refuses to stop time during err..when it counts. If you know what she means.

I digress. Take to the fridge message: EAT. Stress-free. Even if you don’t do ANY workout in January, holiday weight goes away soon after – it gets turned into tears on the 14th of February.

Bon appétit! Cheers! Have the best Christmas you’ve had so far, you’ve earned it!



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